Bucket List & Sandpaper Desolation

No, this isn’t a post on the questionable Jack Nicholson/Morgan Freeman movie. Last night was an odd low point. I couldn’t tell you why ~ I think tiredness has a lot to do it with it; have been working without a day off (really, truly, honestly!) and I think I just need a Good Sleep. An incident occured. The internet stopped working. Quite justifiably, this induced me to swear. It induced me to throw books across my tiny room. It involved me blubbing inexplicably for an hour or so, trying to keep quiet and not wake my flatmate. It was then I came to realise that perhaps it wasn’t the lack of internet that was upsetting me(although I had just settled down to wath Celeste and Jesse Forever on Netflix.) Believe it or not, I don’t tell you this for attention or to get sympathy. It’s because nearly everybody I know has suffered from a Low Point and I think it’s something that needs to be discussed. To remove the stigma. It happens to us all and I’m not ashamed that I spent last night wondering what I was doing with my life. 

Whatever the catalyst (ahem, internet) my little Sandpaper Desolation (this is what I call it when things are bad; it’s like sandpaper rubbing the same spot over and over again) resulted in me thinking, as I sat in bed this morning, eating my Crunchy Nut Cornflakes. It is time to get a little control in my life. Is not that the key to happiness, for everybody? That and Crunchy Nut Cornflakes, naturally.


I was terrified of moving into my current flatshare. Two years ago, it was. Newly single and nervous of meeting new people, the temptation was to stay in my little rut where it was comfortable. But it was the best thing I’ve ever done. I’ve dressed up as Molly Ringwald, I’ve partied until the early hours, I’ve made lifelong friends and – without sounding like a smug Davina McCall during the Streemate years – two couples are now together because I moved in. I call that a good result. We are now coming to the end of our time together. This makes me very sad (especially as I will be homeless until the end of the Persuasion tour) but I am so pleased that I spent these two years with such wonderful people.

Likewise, my new job at Hampton Court caused sleepless nights. Terrified of getting it wrong (truth be told, I still am) and of looking like a stupid fool, I very nearly called up before my first day to tell them they’d made a huge mistake. But I didn’t and the sense of accomplishment was immense. Although I still said ‘fantastic’ the other day. Not sure that was OK. OK is also not OK.

So I can take one thing from this. To quote the old adage “Do one thing every day that scares you.” I’m not sure if standing in the middle of the road when a bus is coming is the right kind of scared, but I’m sure I’ll think of something. A little thing every day that forces me out of my comfort zone. I’ll report back when I can think of something.


At the risk of sounding like one of those people who say “I just don’t have enough ME time.” “I need to spend some time on ME” (God, I hate those people. It is my opinion that those who say this are people who have far too much ME time already), I think maybe I need to think about what I want from life a little bit. I’m always so concerned about appearing selfish, or self-involved (I’ve edited this several times, I’m still concerned that I do!) that I tend to worry more about what other people want than me. When – inspired by the Break Up Bucket List that’s appeared on twitter – I thought about what would be on my Bucket List, I wasn’t really sure. But I’ve thought about it at length and here is a brief sample (money permitting) (money will probably never be permitting):

1) Go to New York. Amazingly, I am doing this in December, thanks to the kindness of two brilliant friends. Still can’t quite believe I’ll get to tick this one off.

2) Go to Russia. Probably not right now… I’d like to go to Saint Petersburg and see the Winter Palace.

3) Write a novel. I’ve started about three. One day I will finish.

4) Own my own home. I don’t know if this will ever happen. I hope it does.

5) Stand under a waterfall.

6) Lie under the stars and watch the sun come up.

7) Learn to drive

8) Learn an instrument and stop being so scared of playing it in front of people

9) Get a tattoo

10) Go travelling for an extended amount of time, to see the world. To not have to work for a little bit. Have adventures, meet new people, escape.

13) Learn to cook more complicated meals

14) To do something that really scares me. Perhaps jump out of a plane. Go bungee jumping.

15) Wear a beautiful ballgown. Go to a really fancy event. I presume the event will be decided at the time!

16) Have a party on a beach.

I promise that I will try and do as many of these as possible. Some will be more achievable than others. But I will endeavour to complete them.Of course, as ever, I shall report back. Perhaps I shall add some more. I would also LOVE to hear your own.

I apologise to everybody that this blog post is less of a film blog, and more of an emotional splurge. When Low Points happen, I don’t feel comfortable sharing that with friends or family and don’t really feel it’s something I can show anybody. As far as I’m concerned, it’s my job to help them, not their job to help me. I don’t like the attention and I don’t want to burden anybody with all the mush – because, for the most part, the mush clears fairly quickly. It is very important to discuss mental health though, is it not? If people don’t, there is a horrible silence that descends. So many people I know suffer from their own Low Points, be they sandpapery, or sharp, or painful, or numb. We should acknowledge this. It is utterly normal and part of the human condition. This is my way of talking about without actually talking about it.

Goodbye, Sandpaper Desolation! Here is a picture of a thing that makes me smile:



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